Perspective from Logan's Birth Grandpa

Below is a letter written to Logan from Grandpa Mark McMillen. Mark gave us permission to share his heart on our family blog. We are beyond blessed to have the McMillen's as part of our family. We love you all!

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It’s been a little over a year since Logan was born. We recently returned from Logan’s 1^st birthday party that his adoptive parents invited us to, and as a result I have been reflecting a lot on the events of the last year and a half or so. Actually, this is something that I find myself reflecting on frequently and I really feel the need to write some of this down. I’ll be in the car driving and I’ll start thinking about all that’s happened and I get very emotional. I’m not sure why, I guess it’s just part of the way I am processing all that has happened. So here goes:

I guess the first thing that surprised me is how I reacted to the news that Katelyn was pregnant. From the instant that she told me, I have never once felt angry with or ashamed of her. From that moment on, all I cared about was that she was OK. I wanted to insure that she and her baby’s physical needs were met and that emotionally and mentally she survived the challenges that were ahead. I could care less what others thought. I had no need to lecture her on the choices that she made and the predicament that she had gotten herself into. I just wanted to make sure that she was OK. If I were thinking about this hypothetically before it happened, I think I would have told you that I would put up a good front for her, but in reality I would have been angry, ashamed and disappointed. The reality is, I have never once felt any of those emotions, just compassion and love for her.

Another thing that struck me is that I believe I really had some misconceptions about the reasons that a woman may place a child up for adoption. In reality, I guess I never really had the need to think much about it at all, but I think if you would have asked me about it before Katelyn got pregnant, I would have thought there were three possibilities for a woman who is in this situation when marrying the father ceases to be an option:

1. That a woman would simply suck it up and choose to be a single parent. That she would feel that she cannot bear to let the child go and choose to just do what it takes to make it work. I in no way mean to imply that there is anything wrong with this option. Certainly there are many women who have chosen this option and have done an outstanding job providing a loving, caring environment for their child.
2. That a woman would decide that she is not in a place in her life to be able to parent. Whether it is school/work commitments or she feels that she doesn’t have the means, the time, or the emotional stability to be a good parent and chooses to place the child up for adoption. Again, there is nothing wrong with this option and I commend a woman who is willing to be honest with herself and make tough decisions.
3. Have an abortion.

What I saw with Katelyn was an option that I never even considered. This option is similar to number 2, but is different. Katelyn’s decisions from day one were focused on what she wanted for her unborn child. She knew that if she decided to parent, she was always welcome in our home, and the basic necessities of life were not an issue. Katelyn’s thoughts though immediately wanted her child to have a family with a father and a mother and craved normalcy for Logan. In every decision that she made, I continually saw her frame of reference not being centered on what she wanted, or what did or did not work out best for her, but what she thought was best for this child. In every step in this journey, I have watched in wonder as Katelyn consistently made gut wrenching decisions that were focused on what she believed was best for Logan even though these decisions were most of the time in direct opposition to what she wanted for herself. I guess I just never considered an option where the decisions were based solely on his needs and not hers.

I think before this happened I thought that placing a child up for adoption was an act of weakness. I thought that it signified that a woman wasn’t strong enough to be a single parent. What I have found is the polar opposite. There was nothing weak about this. Katelyn placing Logan with Kevin and Nichole is without a doubt, that strongest, most loving act that I have ever witnessed. The strength to do what she felt was best for Logan, in the face of what she wanted for herself, makes every decision that I have ever made seem pale in comparison. I do not believe that I would have had the strength to do what she did. 

I continue to see this dichotomy every time Katelyn gets to see Logan or receives a new update or pictures of him. Not that I don’t love Logan, but my attention is constantly drawn to her. I guess it’s that father thing where I want her to be OK. As I watch her, I see both happiness and sadness simultaneously. In her eyes, I see an amazing joy and confidence in her decision as she sees how well he is doing and how happy they all are as a family. At the same time there is also sadness when she understands that she does not get to experience all of the wonders of being Logan’s mom. I constantly witness all of this melded together on her face at the same time. Amazingly though, the joy of seeing him healthy and happy in the type of environment that she choose for him always trumps the sadness. This is because her focus has always been on what she wanted for him, not on her own needs.

All in all, I stand in awe of what God has done in this situation. There was no story book perfect solution for this, but I can’t imagine it working out any better. I am so blessed that Kevin and Nichole continue to invite us to be a part of their family. We get to see Logan regularly and we all really seem to have fun together. They never seem to be threatened by us or our involvement in Logan’s life. Not only did they adopt Logan, but we’ve all adopted each other as extended family. Romans 8:28 states “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them”. This whole experience has taught me a great deal about what perfect love is. A young woman who was willing to put aside her own wants and needs for what she felt was best for her son, and a young couple that is willing to unselfishly share their son with us. This little boy is very blessed to be loved so much by so many.